thanksgiving

so...thanksgiving is here....that day once a year when you take stock in things and try to narrow it down to exactly what you are thankful for...i have seen people post all month long on facebook things they are thankful for - some have seemed genuine; while others not so much...i have many things to be thankful for

i have a great wee one who is smart, funny, healthy, intelligent, kind, sarcastic, and can be a nudge
i have a family who i can count on and have finally become close again with so that i can be myself and it not matter
i have love in my heart for one special man who is like no other and makes me feel like i am 16 again at the age of 41....he makes me feel so much more than i would without him there and even if he is not with me i wouldn't want it any other way
i have a fantastic job doing exactly what i love...so much so that i feel like i get paid to play all day
i have my health and a nice place to live and stuff that i need and want

i am thankful for my life and the experiences i have had and do have and will have for they make me who i am and mold how i see the world

feeling very full right now...possibly drunk on turkey but, super satisfied
 

OneRepublic - Feel Again (Lyric Video)

love this song...that awakening you experience with love is intense and overwhelming and powerful and breath-taking...having someone re-warm your heart is a gift that you try to repay but, can't because of the enormous amount of pleasure and energy that is transferred...you couldn't possibly show the measure of gratitude you want to express and will never understand just what they have done and how extrodinary they make you feel...

i hope one day to repay that awakening and love that i have in my heart for you and if i am not allowed to do that i want you to understand that it doesn't make it any less real for me and thank you for what you did for me.

it wasn't supposed to be like this....

i have heard people mourn their lives but never really felt that way...i mean, yes i vent and complain occasionally and bitch about things every once and a while but, on a whole i like my life...great kid, great job, great hobbies, a few exceptional friends, i know where my heart is, have a caring family but, i just didn't think my 40's would be like this...I thought i would not be single...didn't care about being married but, not solo me-o ...sometimes, i can't lie i like being solo me-o but there are other times if i could just let someone else take  my pressures for just a few hours it wouldn't feel so heavy...i am tired of always having to be the strong one...can't i be the weak one every once and a while??  and why can't someone want to be with me? i i feel like i am wasting good years alone that i could be sharing with someone else...all the things i see and do and the places i go...great memories to be had...and i am so sick and tired of living pay check to pay check...it was definitely not supposed to be like this...i want to be able to afford my life...not my every want and desire but, just with some money in the bank so that every month doesn't seem so hard...and my body is betraying me...i think that most of the time i handle my stress well...yes i do procrastinate but, that is nothing new and i get everything done and in on time but just recently i had a huge deadline and ended up in the nurse's office with my blood pressure off the hook...wtf...i didn't think i was that stressed...how can i be in denial that much ?? not to acknowledge my own stress ??  then my food wouldn't go completely down my esophagus ... and i read that could be stress related too...stress is the number one killer...i don't want the stress so i have been reading some ways to de-stress...i am hoping to nix the stress and the fill bank account soon...

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks

Of Monsters and Men


"Little Talks" lyrics

Hey! Hey! Hey!
I don't like walking around this old and empty house
So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear
[Video version:] The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake
[Live version:] The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awake
It's the house telling you to close your eyes

Some days I can't even trust myself
It's killing me to see you this way

'Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Hey! Hey! Hey!
There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back
Well tell her that I miss our little talks
Soon it will be over and buried with our past
We used to play outside when we were young,
And full of life and full of love

[Video version:] Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right
[Live version:] Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I'm right
Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear

'Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Hey!
Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The screams all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

You're gone gone gone away
I watched you disappear
All that's left is a ghost of you
Now we're torn torn torn apart, there's nothing we can do
Just let me go we'll meet again soon
Now wait wait wait for me
Please hang around
I'll see you when I fall asleep

Hey!
Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The screams all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The screams all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

a love token

i was reading the other day and ran across something about victorian times that i didn't know ... people were not the most monogamous during these times and were usually married and had lovers on the side...as a sign of affection for their true loves, that they happen to have found post-matrimony; they would carry with them a drawing of a body part of their lover... an eye, the lips...you get the idea...because it was not a full picture and was usually kept in a locket or something like this they did not worry that anyone would figure out who that eye belonged to....only the lovers knew it belonged to each other ... i am thinking about drawing my true love's eye and carrying it with me...or maybe my favorite facial feature, the lower lip ... hmmmmm, how victorian of me...lol

til it happens

it was my birthday a few months ago and after a busy day at work and the prospect of a lonely evening...i went, bad transmission and all, to visit the only person i really wanted to see...it was my birthday and i could see whoever i wanted...i put my bike on the back of my car and hoped i wouldn't have to pedal home (bad transmission and all) but, figured it would be worth it either way...i waited almost 25 mins past the usual time and was worried it was one of those nights that you might have to stay for inventory and i got antsy and started to turn my car around and who was in my side view mirror...you smiling

i was stoked because i hadn't wasted a drive out and i was going to get to see you on my birthday...talk ensued and i had a fantastic time as usual and then you blew my mind by telling me that in 4 more years we might be able to be together...see i hope you know a few things...one, if you just said it for the hell of it; that pisses me off because i didn't ask you too...two, don't dangle that carrot in front of my face if you have no intention of backing it up and three, you know i will wait for as long as it take for it to happen because i love you and have for the past 6 years

here's my fear...every octoberish, after your birthday, you push me away...you push me away through all the holidays and then toward the mid to end of january you begin to become normal again...i feel that old familiar push again and sometimes i wonder if you regretted telling me 4 years because now it is too real for you and you don't know what to do or you feel trapped by me and our feelings and you wish i would just fade away...i don't know what to do...am i coming on too strong or not strong enough? ... should i just walk away and if so, how...i just can't

an ancient chinese proverb says “an invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, despite the time, the place, and despite the circumstances. the thread can be tightened or tangle, but will never be broken.”...we have that thread, although ours has proved to be more the color purple, either way i feel that connection with you that i have with no other...our thread was tangled because if we had met in 1991, when we could have, i wouldn't have given you the chance and that connection would just be an emptiness that i wouldn't know how to fill

 

i just wish i really knew what you were thinking...