it wasn't supposed to be like this....

i have heard people mourn their lives but never really felt that way...i mean, yes i vent and complain occasionally and bitch about things every once and a while but, on a whole i like my life...great kid, great job, great hobbies, a few exceptional friends, i know where my heart is, have a caring family but, i just didn't think my 40's would be like this...I thought i would not be single...didn't care about being married but, not solo me-o ...sometimes, i can't lie i like being solo me-o but there are other times if i could just let someone else take  my pressures for just a few hours it wouldn't feel so heavy...i am tired of always having to be the strong one...can't i be the weak one every once and a while??  and why can't someone want to be with me? i i feel like i am wasting good years alone that i could be sharing with someone else...all the things i see and do and the places i go...great memories to be had...and i am so sick and tired of living pay check to pay check...it was definitely not supposed to be like this...i want to be able to afford my life...not my every want and desire but, just with some money in the bank so that every month doesn't seem so hard...and my body is betraying me...i think that most of the time i handle my stress well...yes i do procrastinate but, that is nothing new and i get everything done and in on time but just recently i had a huge deadline and ended up in the nurse's office with my blood pressure off the hook...wtf...i didn't think i was that stressed...how can i be in denial that much ?? not to acknowledge my own stress ??  then my food wouldn't go completely down my esophagus ... and i read that could be stress related too...stress is the number one killer...i don't want the stress so i have been reading some ways to de-stress...i am hoping to nix the stress and the fill bank account soon...