til it happens

it was my birthday a few months ago and after a busy day at work and the prospect of a lonely evening...i went, bad transmission and all, to visit the only person i really wanted to see...it was my birthday and i could see whoever i wanted...i put my bike on the back of my car and hoped i wouldn't have to pedal home (bad transmission and all) but, figured it would be worth it either way...i waited almost 25 mins past the usual time and was worried it was one of those nights that you might have to stay for inventory and i got antsy and started to turn my car around and who was in my side view mirror...you smiling

i was stoked because i hadn't wasted a drive out and i was going to get to see you on my birthday...talk ensued and i had a fantastic time as usual and then you blew my mind by telling me that in 4 more years we might be able to be together...see i hope you know a few things...one, if you just said it for the hell of it; that pisses me off because i didn't ask you too...two, don't dangle that carrot in front of my face if you have no intention of backing it up and three, you know i will wait for as long as it take for it to happen because i love you and have for the past 6 years

here's my fear...every octoberish, after your birthday, you push me away...you push me away through all the holidays and then toward the mid to end of january you begin to become normal again...i feel that old familiar push again and sometimes i wonder if you regretted telling me 4 years because now it is too real for you and you don't know what to do or you feel trapped by me and our feelings and you wish i would just fade away...i don't know what to do...am i coming on too strong or not strong enough? ... should i just walk away and if so, how...i just can't

an ancient chinese proverb says “an invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, despite the time, the place, and despite the circumstances. the thread can be tightened or tangle, but will never be broken.”...we have that thread, although ours has proved to be more the color purple, either way i feel that connection with you that i have with no other...our thread was tangled because if we had met in 1991, when we could have, i wouldn't have given you the chance and that connection would just be an emptiness that i wouldn't know how to fill

 

i just wish i really knew what you were thinking...