tomorrow is the day

tomorrow is the day ... the point of no return ... the day that i will forever become an altered version of myself... today all i am allowed is water and broth ... i believe i could actually eat my arm today for real... there is a part of me that is worried about my love affair with food ... will i be able to change my brain ... in a "food is fuel and not your friend" sort of way ... last night i dreamed about food all night ... it was embarrassingly terrible ... how can i fight my nature or my habits when it comes to the food ... plus i have to add exercise in and i am so out of shape right now ... i wish it was 2 years down the road and all this hard stuff was past and ... but, it's not ... everyone is really supportive but this is a personal fight that is going to be hard as hell and as much as i am ready, i am worried as well

i hate being bad at anything ... i mean i would rather not do something than suck at doing something .... i have to at least be in the middle or mid to high range of skill level when doing something ... even if it is something i just did for the first time ... this chapter of my life is no different and i know that sleeve surgery is supposed to be a tool and the rest of it lies in my decisions ... i want to succeed and lose the weight and get healthy and work out and do this thing ...i know it's one day at a time but my instant gratification personality is having a hard time with this one ...

one week to gastric sleeve surgery ... final post

all the hoops have been jumped through

all the dates have been set

the protein shakes are being consumed

now everyone just keeps asking if i am nervous

i think the fact that this has taken almost a year in the making; i am not really nervous ... i just want to be on the other side of it...don't get me wrong going under always makes me a bit apprehensive ... what happens if i don't wake up ... what will my wee one do without me ... i wish i had said this or i wish i had done that or i wish they would have know what was in my head ... but, i can't dwell on this ... i am pragmatic and analytical ... the numbers don't lie ... the percentages of people dying are rare and minuscule so i am going to assume that i will be making it through this procedure ...

now on to the other side ... that's what i am a bit more apprehensive about ... after talking with the psychiatrist or actually listening to him talk i realize i am up against many odds to attain and maintain the results i want from this procedure

see my mother thinks it's a cop out and that "you will be losing weight like you are on a diet but you really aren't on a diet" ... i took the easy way out and now i am going to reap the benefits without all the hard work ... everyone i have talked to says that's not really the case ... you have a 12 month honeymoon period where you are not really hungry and you have this time to rewire your brain about what food is and you have this time to start your exercise habits ....i have to hit the ground running ... this is my one shot or that is how i look at it

i am an all or nothing kind of person .... i am all in or i am all out ... it pervades into most areas of my life ... i am loyal but once you have taken that for granted and stepped on me ... you have me no more  ... when i finally quit smoking it was no weening off the cigarettes or just having one once and a while ... cold turkey for me ... i have a hard time being in the middle ... i do enjoy my grays because let's face it, everything cannot be cut and dry and there are always exceptions to all rules but on the whole ... in or out for me .... i have been wanting to quit caffeine and tried and then just started back a bit ... well guess what, back on the sauce; so with the surgery not allowing me carbonated drinks forever this will help cut my addiction to diet coke and caffeine ... having to get 64oz of water ... and yes i know the benefits of water but, actually doing what i am supposed to do is another thing entirely ...but if this will help my recovery and results ... i'm in ....

forced compliance for the sake of results and health seem to work better in my mind ... if i physically can not do something then i won't do it ... i know it is not a possibility and that's that.

so ... i will keep you posted and am sure i will be on here discussing the altered state of me once again 

one week to gastric sleeve surgery ... part 2

by this time it was may... i made the appointment and so i met with my surgeon ... i really liked him, felt comfortable and confident with him and enjoyed our conversation ... which surprisingly turned to art and bravery ...so, i'm in

then i met with my insurance liaison ... she had all the hoops listed out on paper that i would be required to complete in order to submit my request to insurance to see if they would cover me

1. watch an informational video about my procedure via the internet ... that was not hard
2. spend 90 days with a nutritionist or weight doctor of some sort ... well, i had been going to a medical weight loss center for a year 18 months ago .... so, i had them fax in all the paperwork and everything we did for that year
3. take a psychological exam and talk to a psychiatrist ... great, i am not one of those people who enjoy talking to a complete stranger about what's going on in my head ... if i really wanted someone to know what is going on in my head i would tell them and they would surely be one of my close friends ... plus after answering all the questions on the exam i was not looking forward to talking to this guy ... i took the exam and scheduled the appointment with the psychiatrist 
4. go to a bariatric surgery weight loss support group ...  the last support group i went to was a NA support group for my friend struggling with prescription pill addiction ... i like support groups about as much as i like the psychiatrist ... but, i went and didn't have to talk so, it was tolerable
5. meet with the nutritionist ... i thought that would be okay but, it was actually a bit painful .... she was way way too perky and kept talking about my "new baby pouch" of a stomach ... omg, i just wanted out of there ... so, checked that one off the list
6. go to the hospital to do a barium swallow ... gross ... did that ...  and that's all i am going to say about that
7. met with the psychiatrist ... his findings were right on the money about my personality ... i am a really good listener and he did 75% of the talking ... he even commented that he was having a hard time shutting up and that i should be talking but i was so easy to talk to ... guess i could be a shrink ...i will have to admit that listening to him talk about my future struggles and different things i should consider, think about and keep in mind was invaluable and i am glad i had the experience
8. i needed a letter of recommendation from one of my doctors ... i choose my endocrinologist, since he is that one that set me on this path except i am worried that he won't write it ... we have had lengthy, heated discussions about bypass vs sleeve surgery and we are both in different camps on whats best for me and why ... i always find it interesting how people can have such strong opinions about what is best for you to do with yourself, your body or your life ... they don't have to live with the repercussions or consequences when everything is said and done ... you do and ultimately i am the only one that can make this decision for me

so, now it's the end of august ... everything is done, or so i think and everything gets submitted to insurance.

by this time, i have argued with my parents about my decision (again my decision, not there's), told my siblings and a handful of my close friends ... now is the waiting game ... but there is a snag ... the insurance company needs the 90 days re-done because if i had seen the weight loss doctor within the last 12 months ... not 18 it would have been approved ... so now to go back and do 90 days more

so from september - december i see my doctor once a month ... december 13 we resubmit paperwork to the insurance company and the surgery is approved and set for december 31 ... so as i look back on the beginning of this lifelong journey i am drinking a not so delicious protein shake as i am on a liquid diet until i go under the knife

one week to gastric sleeve surgery

in a few days i am headed in for surgery...actually on the 31st ... what a way to spend new years eve...i don't think i could have looked into my future and anticipated this day ... i have decided to have gastric sleeve surgery.  it wasn't an easy decision ... some times you feel like a failure when it comes to controlling who you are ... i have usually been a person that could put myself in check or at least acknowledge that i am choosing not to put myself in check and reveling in the debauchery and pleasure of the moment ... fighting against a food addiction is a hard and losing battle for me ... i have never wanted to be skinny, just average size and especially healthy ... so, here i am .... in  my 40's, gravity not my friend, borderline diabetic, with arthritis, and overweight ... rereading this makes me want to explain that i am not miserable, friendless, and at the end of my rope ... i just want more for myself and i feel like if i don't take this journey now i never will

ten months ago i had my yearly appointment with my endocrinologist ... i have no thyroid ... he asked me if i would be opposed to considering gastric bypass surgery and what were my thoughts on that ... i told him i hadn't really thought about that procedure and wasn't sure what my gut thoughts were about it but, i would do some research and get back to him ... he sent me for labs and we called it a day

i went home not sure .... i have felt in the past that getting bypass surgery is a cop out and that if i was strong enough and determined enough i should be able to exercise and control my eating and i wouldn't need the surgery ... i also felt that rearranging my intestines was not something i was really going to go for ... i got a phone call the next week because all my lab work was bad  ... here's my new prescriptions, i was scheduled a follow up visit, a visit to a diabetes specialist and also a visit to bariactric surgeon ... so, i decided that since an appointment was made for me, i would go ahead and see what was this surgery would entail... what could that hurt?

i was unaware of the hoops i was about to be jumping through ... first i needed to come to an informational seminar and then meet with the surgeon, if that was something i really thought i wanted to do after sitting through the seminar ... it was an evening spent talking about 4 different procedures, the differences between them, the benefits of them, and the dangers because of them ... my mind was made up, no gastric bypass because i am not moving my intestines around and the malabsorption of the food was not something i wanted to fight for the rest of my life , no pancreatic switch because i am not that overweight and that seemed way to risky, and no lab band because i didn't want a permanent port in my body that i would have to continually adjust the amount of saline that was controlling the band so, my only option, as far as i was concerned was the gastric sleeve surgery.

i made the appointment.
but, would my insurance cover this?

falling

Falling

Invading my dreams

wide awake; lucid and sincere

in slumber; unconscious and clear

Contemplating the consequences

pondering past affinities

visualizing future possibilities

Wishing for transparency

wanting time to slow and reverse

apprehensive to completely immerse

Changing my perception

planning adventures anew

searching for travels to ensue

Enjoying occasions of exhilaration

witty banter, laughter, tension near

connection and blue eyes, crystal clear

Filling my essence

thoughts, fears, relationship maturities

giddy feelings, butterflies, teenage insecurities

Touching inside my heart’s keep

without trying, by being authentic and real

the joy you give me is hard to conceal

how is it already christmas eve

i can't believe it is already christmas eve ... well in a few hours it will be ... it seems like the years just speed by faster and faster.  i remember when i would count down the days until christmas ... the days dragged on and took such a loooooooooong time to come ... it's so funny because logically i know that the days aren't any more or less and time is a relative entity but there are still only 24 hours in a day ... wow ... this is going to be my first christmas i am alone... my wee one is away at her father's and despite some good friends who have invited me (sometimes out of pity but all out of kindness) to join with them on the day ... it's just another day and somewhere inside i am okay with that ... it's kind of like home is where you make it and family is who you make important and holidays happen with the people you care about; not on a particular date, really, but in a particular spirit and celebration that can occur whenever it manifests ...  

A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera - Say Something

"Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

Beyoncé - XO

"XO"

[Verse 1:]
You love is bright as ever (ever, ever, ever)
Even in the shadows (shadows, shadows, shadows)
Baby kiss me (kiss me, kiss me, kiss me)
Before the turn the lights out (lights out, lights out, lights out)
Your heart is glowing
And I'm crashing into you (glowing, glowing)
Baby kiss me
Before they turn the lights out
Before they turn the lights out
Baby love me lights out

[Pre-Hook:]
In the darkest night hour
I'll search through the crowd
Your face is all that I see
I'll give you everything
Baby love me lights out
Baby love me lights out
You can turn my light down

[Verse 2:]
We don't have forever
Ooh, Baby daylight's wasting
You better kiss me
Before our time is run out
Mmmhh yeah...
Nobody sees what we see
They're just hopelessly gazing
Baby take me
Before they turn the lights out
Before time is run out
Baby love me lights out

[Pre-Hook:]
In the darkest night hour
I'll search through the crowd
Your face is all that I see
I'll give you everything
Baby love me lights out
Baby love me lights out
You can turn my lights out

[Hook:]
I love it like XO
You love me like XO
You kill me boy XO
You love me like XO
All that I see
Give me everything
Baby love me lights out
Baby love me lights out
You can turn my lights out