an now we can move forward ...really?

“…and now we can move forward.”  I don’t know how to move forward.  I receive so many double messages from you and don’t know what to do.  I am not a 16 year old with a crush on someone that changes like the wind.  I am a 42 year old who has fallen in love with someone’s soul and that just doesn't leave in a day or two.  You are the kind of person who is looking for the forever and unfortunately I could see myself be perfectly happy with you forever.  You embody the qualities that I desire in someone…kind, witty, charming, intelligent, sexy, passionate, vulnerable and genuine.  We share many of the same interests … travel, music, art, history, adventure, architecture, and knowledge.  You are still living and growing and experiencing life and are not content with the stagnation that many people live in day to day.  I wish I could switch it off but, that is an impossibility.  I have tried to control so many things in my life and it just infuriates me that I cannot control my heart.  So, what do I do now and how do I act when we are together?  

what is wrong with me?

I don’t know what to do.  I have spent the past six or eight years clawing and digging my way back into the closet.  I tried to find a way for it to be okay for me not to be who I really am.  I don’t need a relationship; even though that is not fully the truth, I could deal with it.  I have good friends who fill that void, at least most of the time.  There are those moments when you want to have someone else; someone who wants you for you and will take that pressure off my shoulders and just handle it and I don’t have to be or do anything.  Everyone wants to be wanted.  But, most days it is okay and I really don’t mind being alone because; I know myself and can always find something to make or paint or photograph and that really fulfills me.  The last time I really fell in love was May of 2007.  It was that moment I looked into those green eyes and realized that something happened.  The worst part was I didn't even see it coming.  I wasn't looking and it just happened.  People may scoff at that but, it is true.  When you are really friends with someone and you open yourself up without pretense and are wholly authentic it can happen.  You have that connection and spark that is unexplainable and all of a sudden you realize that your friendship has blossomed into something else.  And the best part is that it is okay because what is wrong with falling for someone you actually like and you are truly friends with and someone with whom you can be genuine … nothing.  The hiccup was the fact that he felt it too but he was married.  That really sucked and was hard for me to get over and it took a really long time for me to be able to go through a day without thinking about him or emailing or calling.  But, I had finally done it … it wasn't painful and it wasn't terrible and we could still hang out and I didn't feel sad.  I could honestly say that I only want him to be happy and if that means happy with what he has then, so be it.  I love him enough to let him go and I believe part of that is because I knew he was married from the get-go and we never were physically involved.  But, out of all of this I had managed to find love; true love with a man.  I had been able to find this and could possibly find it again and was cementing the door to my closet shut.  So, now it is 2014 and I still see him occasionally but, I can keep my cool and it’s okay between us.  I still am attracted and still think he is something special but; I am finally really good with us being just friends.  But, let me explain exactly why I am okay with us just being friends.  It’s because I have fallen in love with someone else … what the hell.  Again I didn't even see it coming.  And I certainly didn't see the walls of my closet falling down but, they did.  She is no one I ever expected.  I don’t even know what to do with all of these feelings.  I was fine hiding in my closet and being single.  But, she touched a place deep inside of me.  I would get down on one knee with a giant diamond if I actually thought she would say yes.  She is beautiful and charming and funny and intelligent and interesting and frustrating and infuriating and straight.  (Or so she says and that is a whole different conversation that I could debate why I don’t actually think that is entirely true…but, that is for another day) 

Why is that every time I find someone that really gets me and that I really like spending time with and that I like who they are deep inside and who I could see not getting tired of being with; I can’t be with them?  What is wrong with me?

i know better

I am so mad at myself right now.  I don’t know what is wrong with me.  I learned a long time ago not to anticipate anything that was controlled by another person because almost all of the time you will just be highly disappointed.  If you build up something in your mind it only leads to a different reality that is never equal to what you had imagined.  It is better not to have any expectations so that you could be pleasantly surprised by whatever happens and it can be great or fun or okay but without the build-up it is just an experience, for better or for worse. 

Over a month ago you kept asking me what I was doing for spring break and did I want to go with you to Atlanta over spring break.  I told you I had plans and you said see if I could get one of the weekends on either end of the week free for Atlanta.  As it happened my plans fell through and I chose the latter weekend.  You kept talking about where we could go and how much fun we would have.  We had to go to One, your favorite restaurant and then The Flying Biscuit, which was next to a great record store I would like and you knew where I would just love to take pictures and we could go to The Mart and the Atlanta Botanical Gardens.  It would just be fabulous.  But, I would have to find some place for “little bit” to go. 

Fast forward to today…it is spring break.  I have dumped little bit with my parents.  I get some weird text about how it’s just going to be me and you in Atlanta.  Okay, when over the last six weeks did you ever say it wasn’t going to just be me and you?  Now, it has become some world-wind shopping on Friday only and we have to come right back Friday night and not do anything else that you had said we were going to do and you have plans on Saturday you have to get back for.  

Why did you even ask me to go?  You invited me and then made plans with another person.  You invited me over a month ago.  Why did you tell me all these great things we were going to do that we are not going to do?    I have been looking forward to this trip.  Dammit I got sucked in and didn’t even see it coming.  I am just sad because I thought you were better than that.

why would i really want to be different?

Almost every minute of my life I love being me.  I like who I am and am secure enough in that; not to usually care whether or not someone does or does not like me, what I wear, how I look, or who I am.  I know that many people judge on outward appearances but, I try not to because I really believe that what is inside, underneath the facades is what really matters at the end of the day.  People’s actions speak louder to me.  Someone should be able to tell by the way I act, what I do or don’t do, and how I treat them when I am in their presence; how I really feel about them.  I am not too good at faking it and think life is really too short for all the hypocrisy.

This being said, it pains me to the point of truly desiring to become someone different when I realize that who I really am bothers you when we are in a public setting.  (Especially when there could be a chance of seeing someone that you know)  I have never in my life wanted to be different for someone else … ever.  I don’t mean to really change inside but, to change enough on the outside so that you don’t feel uncomfortable.  Honestly, I don’t even know if you realize how you change and how you act but, it is crystal clear to me.  Making you uncomfortable is and never will be my intention.  I care too much for you and your feelings.

So, when you asked me what you said that made me upset, I didn’t feel that I could articulate to you exactly what was behind my feelings and why it bothered me the way it did.  Part of my anger was directed toward me and how at the age of 42 I can get so caught up in things and allow my feelings to get hurt.  I am supposed to self-preserve.  The other part was directed towards you and the nuances that change and the language you choose to use when you are hypersensitive to other’s perceptions. 

I expect you to introduce me as your friend; no gushing or making a big deal about who I am and no explaining is necessary.  But, I do not expect you to keep introducing me as your co-worker.  k.r. is your co-worker. c.k. is your co-worker.  I believe I have earned a better place than the status of your co-worker.  I reread what I just typed and I feel like I am mincing words and making something out of nothing but, at the same time; it isn’t nothing to me.  It just saddens me to think that you worry what someone will think when you introduce me as your friend and that just takes me back to what I wrote at the beginning about wanting to be different for you.

It is not my intention to hurt your feelings or to make you upset by what I said and with my observations.  I want honesty from you and felt that you deserved the same from me.  Thank you for asking me what you said that made me upset because noticing and caring enough to inquire means a lot to me.  You mean a lot to me.  But in the same vein, I mean a lot to me too and I do not want to feel dismissed.  I hope that what I have said makes some sense to you.  I also hope that I have not offended you in any way.

does anything really change?

9/23/2007

Sometimes I can't decide whether having something is better than having nothing at all.   It's a hard decision to have to make because beyond the something…the point of no return; might be the most wonderful experience of my lifetime and though it may last for a long while; it might also have the potential to create the circumstances that lead me ultimately to the nothing.   Or worse it could be a complete fantasy in my mind and it might set up a scenario that will leave me turned down completely.  But the decision is an impossible one because I feel like I have no choice but to continue on my current path… I mean, absolutely no choice…none.   It seems to be impossible to want to spend a day without that smile.  It pervades into every moment of my life … my thoughts, my wants, my sleep, my dreams … during the day in my head when I am alone in the studio and I just smile thinking of something funny or something so incredibly sweet that it doesn't seem possible for someone like this to actually exist and at the same moment be so inaccessible to me and yet at the same time if the something is better than the nothing…I do have access but just not total access and shouldn't that be enough?   It should be because it should have to be and I don't want to be that person who is so selfish that I can't see how this could effect the most incredible person I know and I do see that and the respect that I have is so immense and determined to take back control and yet…dammit sometimes it's…it's a compulsion… it's a yearning… it's a desire so strong that it takes all the control I can muster not to find a dark corner and do some molesting of my own.  

It's a conundrum and a quandary and a conflict and a duality of my personality.   I feel as stupid and giddy as a teenager and yet with the wisdom and savvy of a woman who is 36 and knows what she wants and needs.  It's that kind of infatuation that, despite the impending doom of papers and projects, it leads you to blowing off three hours of class to talk, laugh, take a long lunch and stare intently into a sea of green-blue.  

...

this was written almost 7 years ago and how am i going through the same thing again?  what am i going to do and am i doomed to continue this pattern and path as a vicious cycle...the players may have changed and the eyes may be crystal blue but the feelings aren't new and the questions are the same ...what is wrong with me?