why would i really want to be different?

Almost every minute of my life I love being me.  I like who I am and am secure enough in that; not to usually care whether or not someone does or does not like me, what I wear, how I look, or who I am.  I know that many people judge on outward appearances but, I try not to because I really believe that what is inside, underneath the facades is what really matters at the end of the day.  People’s actions speak louder to me.  Someone should be able to tell by the way I act, what I do or don’t do, and how I treat them when I am in their presence; how I really feel about them.  I am not too good at faking it and think life is really too short for all the hypocrisy.

This being said, it pains me to the point of truly desiring to become someone different when I realize that who I really am bothers you when we are in a public setting.  (Especially when there could be a chance of seeing someone that you know)  I have never in my life wanted to be different for someone else … ever.  I don’t mean to really change inside but, to change enough on the outside so that you don’t feel uncomfortable.  Honestly, I don’t even know if you realize how you change and how you act but, it is crystal clear to me.  Making you uncomfortable is and never will be my intention.  I care too much for you and your feelings.

So, when you asked me what you said that made me upset, I didn’t feel that I could articulate to you exactly what was behind my feelings and why it bothered me the way it did.  Part of my anger was directed toward me and how at the age of 42 I can get so caught up in things and allow my feelings to get hurt.  I am supposed to self-preserve.  The other part was directed towards you and the nuances that change and the language you choose to use when you are hypersensitive to other’s perceptions. 

I expect you to introduce me as your friend; no gushing or making a big deal about who I am and no explaining is necessary.  But, I do not expect you to keep introducing me as your co-worker.  k.r. is your co-worker. c.k. is your co-worker.  I believe I have earned a better place than the status of your co-worker.  I reread what I just typed and I feel like I am mincing words and making something out of nothing but, at the same time; it isn’t nothing to me.  It just saddens me to think that you worry what someone will think when you introduce me as your friend and that just takes me back to what I wrote at the beginning about wanting to be different for you.

It is not my intention to hurt your feelings or to make you upset by what I said and with my observations.  I want honesty from you and felt that you deserved the same from me.  Thank you for asking me what you said that made me upset because noticing and caring enough to inquire means a lot to me.  You mean a lot to me.  But in the same vein, I mean a lot to me too and I do not want to feel dismissed.  I hope that what I have said makes some sense to you.  I also hope that I have not offended you in any way.