what is wrong with me?

I don’t know what to do.  I have spent the past six or eight years clawing and digging my way back into the closet.  I tried to find a way for it to be okay for me not to be who I really am.  I don’t need a relationship; even though that is not fully the truth, I could deal with it.  I have good friends who fill that void, at least most of the time.  There are those moments when you want to have someone else; someone who wants you for you and will take that pressure off my shoulders and just handle it and I don’t have to be or do anything.  Everyone wants to be wanted.  But, most days it is okay and I really don’t mind being alone because; I know myself and can always find something to make or paint or photograph and that really fulfills me.  The last time I really fell in love was May of 2007.  It was that moment I looked into those green eyes and realized that something happened.  The worst part was I didn't even see it coming.  I wasn't looking and it just happened.  People may scoff at that but, it is true.  When you are really friends with someone and you open yourself up without pretense and are wholly authentic it can happen.  You have that connection and spark that is unexplainable and all of a sudden you realize that your friendship has blossomed into something else.  And the best part is that it is okay because what is wrong with falling for someone you actually like and you are truly friends with and someone with whom you can be genuine … nothing.  The hiccup was the fact that he felt it too but he was married.  That really sucked and was hard for me to get over and it took a really long time for me to be able to go through a day without thinking about him or emailing or calling.  But, I had finally done it … it wasn't painful and it wasn't terrible and we could still hang out and I didn't feel sad.  I could honestly say that I only want him to be happy and if that means happy with what he has then, so be it.  I love him enough to let him go and I believe part of that is because I knew he was married from the get-go and we never were physically involved.  But, out of all of this I had managed to find love; true love with a man.  I had been able to find this and could possibly find it again and was cementing the door to my closet shut.  So, now it is 2014 and I still see him occasionally but, I can keep my cool and it’s okay between us.  I still am attracted and still think he is something special but; I am finally really good with us being just friends.  But, let me explain exactly why I am okay with us just being friends.  It’s because I have fallen in love with someone else … what the hell.  Again I didn't even see it coming.  And I certainly didn't see the walls of my closet falling down but, they did.  She is no one I ever expected.  I don’t even know what to do with all of these feelings.  I was fine hiding in my closet and being single.  But, she touched a place deep inside of me.  I would get down on one knee with a giant diamond if I actually thought she would say yes.  She is beautiful and charming and funny and intelligent and interesting and frustrating and infuriating and straight.  (Or so she says and that is a whole different conversation that I could debate why I don’t actually think that is entirely true…but, that is for another day) 

Why is that every time I find someone that really gets me and that I really like spending time with and that I like who they are deep inside and who I could see not getting tired of being with; I can’t be with them?  What is wrong with me?