Sometimes I can't decide whether having something is better
than having nothing at all. It's a hard
decision to have to make because beyond the something…the point of no return;
might be the most wonderful experience of my lifetime and though it may last
for a long while; it might also have the potential to create the circumstances
that lead me ultimately to the nothing.
Or worse it could be a complete fantasy in my mind and it might set up a
scenario that will leave me turned down completely. But the decision is an impossible one because
I feel like I have no choice but to continue on my current path… I mean,
absolutely no choice…none. It seems to
be impossible to want to spend a day without that smile. It pervades into every moment of my life … my
thoughts, my wants, my sleep, my dreams … during the day in my head when I am
alone in the studio and I just smile thinking of something funny or something
so incredibly sweet that it doesn't seem possible for someone like this to
actually exist and at the same moment be so inaccessible to me and yet at the
same time if the something is better than the nothing…I do have access but just
not total access and shouldn't that be enough?
It should be because it should have to be and I don't want to be that
person who is so selfish that I can't see how this could effect the most
incredible person I know and I do see that and the respect that I have is so
immense and determined to take back control and yet…dammit sometimes it's…it's
a compulsion… it's a yearning… it's a desire so strong that it takes all the
control I can muster not to find a dark corner and do some molesting of my
own.
It's a conundrum and a quandary and a conflict and a duality
of my personality. I feel as stupid and
giddy as a teenager and yet with the wisdom and savvy of a woman who is 36 and
knows what she wants and needs. It's
that kind of infatuation that, despite the impending doom of papers and projects,
it leads you to blowing off three hours of class to talk, laugh, take a long
lunch and stare intently into a sea of green-blue.
...
this was written almost 7 years ago and how am i going through the same thing again? what am i going to do and am i doomed to continue this pattern and path as a vicious cycle...the players may have changed and the eyes may be crystal blue but the feelings aren't new and the questions are the same ...what is wrong with me?
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