there is no life without the mall

what do you do if you think your nine year old is depressed...i am not sure really but, she seems down so much of the time and doesn't want do anything...well except goto the mall or movies or play video games or wish we had a tv...maybe she's just stir crazy because it's the summer and she and i are the only ones in the house but, i offer to play games, go for a walk, ride bikes...go on a walk to take pictures, walk down to the square, practice cooking, listen to music, do art, read...anything she wants that doesn't involve spending money...because i don't have any extra this summer [i have no job]  this does no good...she is on the verge of tears and moping around and says that it's okay if we just go to the mall to hang out and walk around and window shop for hours and hours and hours...i was so excited about this summer and now i am at my wits end already and the summer has just started...wouldn't you rather walk around outside then in a mall full of crap that you can't buy

any suggestions about what i can do/???

where do you meet single people - dating blog #1

so if you are ready to date...and i am not saying that i am...but, then the question would be where do you meet people...i am not someone who thinks that internet dating would be for me [although, my sister met her second husband that way and they are really perfect for each other...she had to go through a bunch of frogs to get this prince...and i will have to give it to her...because i don't know that i am up for as many frogs as she went through]...back to the question at hand...where are all the single people?
dating
so i went to research some articles about finding single people

1. 10 best places to meet a man or woman: newlyweds and experts say lightning can strike anywhere
2. cosmopolitan's: the best places to meet a guy
3. top ten best places to meet single men or women
4. top 10: new places to meet women

so what do all the experts say???? 

• the gym/health club/the ymca/taking some kind of work-out class at the gym/yoga class
• church
• through friends/family members
• through the internet/meetup.com groups/social networking sites
• at a bar/sports bar
• work
• social/community organizations/conferences/conventions/organized events/lectures/political event
• supermarket/coffee shop/apple store/bookstore
• weddings
• college/library/dog parks/art crawls
• public transportation/airplane flights/laundromats
• dance classes/wine tasting/volunteering/painting class/cooking class

so basically that is every where...an yet you don't meet that many people...what's the problem? 

let's look a bit deeper...

okay, the gym...i don't know that i want to meet people at the gym...if i actually get myself to go to the gym then i am going for the work out and being all red-faced and sweaty is not my ideal time to meet someone spectacular...plus i really am there to try to get in better shape and if you see me all like that then...i don't know...you should leave something to the mystery of being with someone

church...don't frequent one

through friends/family...uhhhh...how do you say no without hurting any one's feelings...i actually had a friend tell me that she met someone semi-annoying and a bit on the cocky side but, oh, they'd be perfect for me since she didn't want them...then she said that she met this older person who she didn't want either but that thought i might not mind...since the age-thing isn't a problem for me...and don't get me started on my family...except for my little brother no one else would know me well enough to pick out a date for me

internet dating...anyone including serial killers, sadists, and weirdos can make themselves look appealing in print and upload any picture of "themselves"...people aren't even honest face-to-face anymore these days why would you expect honesty online???

bars are too loud to talk and people are usually too drunk to care...don't think this is a good one...plus you are a different person drunk/sober and what if the differences are so extreme that you just aren't that appealing to me any more...or vice versa...not wasting my time on this one...and i don't think oh, wait i only know one couple past or present that has met at a bar and they haven't been together that long...so, we'll see if that lasts

work...you spent a lot of time there so it would mean that geographically speaking, you would have a chance of a romance but, you are supposed to be working and really how many people do you meet...plus you see these people in and out everyday...exnay on the mysteryway...i have worked at a lot of kitchens/restaurants and met many customers/workers that i would never think of dating or even asking out in a million years

i don't know if i want to fork out money for an event or a convention or a conference just to meet someone and i certainly don't want to to to any of those unless i am actually interested in them...i am not gonna fake it...so if i go to any of these and i actually meet some one then it would be a star aligning sort of thing because i would actually be going for the event not the hypothetical meeting of someone new

bookstores...coffeshops...grocery market...apple store....i am usually drinking coffee, looking for books or magazines, reading, shopping for groceries, or searching for my latest ipod fix....plus how many people have you seen in these places hooked up to their laptops and blackberries or iphones...it's a maybe

weddings...when is the last wedding you went to and if you are into that wedding crasher thing...good for you but, i haven't been to a wedding for at least six years...not a frequent thing i do

college...been there done that [did fall in love but, hasn't worked out]...dog park...don't have a dog....art crawl...i am usually looking at the art and people seem to go in packs to these things....library...it's too quiet of a place to actually strike up a conversation...

i have not ever seen someone on my bus or at the laundromat i frequent that i would remotely [as in, last person on the earth...]be interested in...

maybe i should volunteer or take a class...i haven't tried this one

so, do i sound too much like a pessimist???  i am not trying to shoot everything down but...really a laundromat????  so, possibly church if i was a church-going type, possibly as a volunteer or taking a class, possibly if the stars aligned at a conference or convention type thing, possibly work, and college worked but, i am not going back there unless i can't find a job and then grad school would be taking up all my time so, dating would be out anyway.  it can't be that bleak or hard to find a date...maybe i will be a self-full filling prophecy and say i can't so many times i never will...okay, maybe i should think positive...okay, i will give this idea more thought and write again on it.

if anyone has any other suggestions of where to meet people or where you have met people...leave me a comment

my jerkface

i saw the love of my life today...it has been the longest that i have stayed away from him since we started hanging out in 2006...almost 3 months...he is looking much better and not so skinny/sickly plus he got a cute hair cut...i sometimes wish that i had never fallen in love with him...that way i wouldn't have to know what i am missing...he can still make me laugh and smile and yes, still knows me better than anyone i have ever met in my entire life...i still miss him every single day...wish he hadn't taken down my art from his office and hope he didn't throw it away...he asked me when i thought my life would finally get on track...wanted to tell him that it would the day we finally got together [but, i was too much of a chicken to say that out loud...couldn't stand the possibility of rejection]

what did he say that was so inspirational...it was on speakerphone

okay...so i have been trying to work on this make new friends for my daughter idea...and i thought she might like going to summer camp...i always wanted to go to camp but, my parents would never send me and i would day dream about how fun it would be if i could go...especially science or space camp...yes, i am a super nerd...i freely embrace this part of my personality...due to tv watching and a wild imagination my kid thinks that camp will be horrible and the kids will pull pranks.. and no way oh, no way is she spending the night but, i was only gonna send her to day camp...i thought i had found one she would like...you get to pick your top 3 favorite activities and you get to do them each and hour a day plus group activities and lunch and snack...she could not be convinced that this was a good idea...i tried reasoning with her and telling her that i was probably gonna make her go but then my parents decided they would pay for her to go for her birthday present...well, she was still dead set against it.

how can you make friends if you don't even try...i told her this would just give her practice making friends and it might be something cool for the summer and hell, it was only one week...five days is not that long...finally i gave up and she was tell her dad tonight on the phone about how she didn't want to go to camp and he told her she would have so much fun and how she would be missing out and how much fun he had at camp when he was a kid...ect, ect, ect....okay so after that call she called my parents and told them that she changed her mind about camp and then called her dad back and told him that he inspired her and she was going to camp.

balls!!!! and wtf?????????????  his two second conversation inspired her to go to camp...i cannot believe this...if this is a taste of what it is going to be like for the next decade i am not going to be a happy camper...at least now i know if i want her to do something and can't talk her into it i am going make her dad talk her into it...but, i just can't believe i witnessed this unfold before my eyes...i just became a non-entity to my soon to be nine year old...wow, i was not ready for this.

the divorce is finally final

its official and i have the papers in my hands…as of friday, may 21, 2010 i am officially dee-vorced...legally single…and about to go back to my own name…whoot!!!! i can’t actually believe that it is really over…i have thought about this day for many years and maybe it is a bit anticlimactic but all-in-all it is a nice feeling to know that the chapter has officially ended and i am completely done with this thing they call marriage. sometimes i have to remind myself that out of my marriage came the kids and i wouldn’t trade them for the world so that was a positive but, except for the first year, my marriage pretty much blew…great big chunks!! then you wonder how come it took so long for it to end…we had our 11th anniversary last month…even though we have been separated for a year and a half and he lives with his new fiancée…and then i know that i stayed for my daughter [which has proved to be not so smart...but, i had such a good dad...i was hoping he'd step up for her] and because i was finishing my degree and he was a free babysitter…which is shitty to say but, lets be honest…our marriage ended when only one party was trying to make it work…you can’t have a one sided relationship and expect it to work…you can’t be a fraud and say you have similar interests when that’s a lie…you are only interested in getting in the sack and having someone pay your bills and cook you dinner…you can’t blame everyone else for your choices and your mistakes…you have to own them and then make different decisions the next time…ben franklin said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result…that pretty much sums up the ex along with a few other choice words like super selfish and having the ability to be who he thinks you want him to be until he’s got you married to him and then he becomes his true self…which come to think of it, i am not sure he really knows who he is…he just becomes a chameleon for whoever is tying to get with…well i can’t live like that….i may have pet peeves and character idiosyncrasies that everyone may not appreciate…but, i do know myself and i have to be me…like or don’t…i can’t say i lose much sleep over the one’s that don’t…i just don’t waste my time trying to get to know them…saves us both time and effort into something that will not go anywhere anyway. pragmatic am i.




so, now the question arises…do i have the desire to date again? i have super mixed feelings on this subject…i’ll sleep on it and write more later…

ahhh...the summer

there is only one week left of school until the summer and i think i am just as excited as my wee one is…summers were always great times…we would ride our bikes everywhere, go fishing, play all kinds of sports and there was always the summer vacations. now what is not to like about a vacation…especially if you’re a kid because you don’t have to pay for anything…we always took a two week vacation and headed to the northeast no matter where we were living and we always drove to save money [which at the time i thought was a pain but, i have great memories of riding in the car and also realize just how expensive six airline tickets would have been not to mention having to get a rental car…otherwise you’d be stuck at someone else’s mercy to drive you places] i still love vacations and i usually still drive unless it’s just too far away and honestly there really isn’t any where in the continental u.s. that’s just too far away…as long as you have the time to get there and back.

we have traveled together every summer since my daughter was four…she likes the idea of vacation and is a seasoned veteran at riding in the car for long hours and dealing with it…the hardest time was once when i had no air conditioning in the car and we were heading to the deep south and it was super hot…she was trying to read and the windows being open were moving the pages in her book so we were driving with the windows up in the sweltering heat…until mom couldn’t take it any more and she was just going to have to put the book up. she and i both are lovers of museums so we always hit them every where we go…add in day adventures using public transit, trying new restaurants, and taking a million, zillion photographs we have great times whether we are around the corner or a thousand miles away. i can’t wait until i have saved enough money so we can spend a month at a time during the summer in europe, austrailia, or were ever we want…

last summer we were on vacation for a month and i highly recommend being away and letting your batteries recharge for an entire month…it was fabulous and thanks to friends and family…i only ended up paying for three or four nights in hotels…you feel free with a change in latitude and it gives you a change in attitude…i am getting ready for this summer…milwaukee, chicago, louisville, indianapolis…here we come…woo hoo…so if anyone knows anything fun to do in any of those towns leave me a comment as i will be getting ready to leave in a couple of weeks…change in latitude here i come.

better safe than sorry

i went to the movies this afternoon...it was a small theatre and when we got there our three made us have five people total in the auditorium...so, we sat down in the middle a few rows up after we had watched all the screenvision i could stand [how many effing commercials do you possibly have to watch before the trailers and your featured presentation?] this guy walks in goes to the row right in front of us puts down what appears to be the size of a laptop case or over sized leather day planner and then he turns around and leaves...okay i was thinking wtf...i mean in this day and time what are you supposed to think...i leaned over and looked at it but, i didn't want to touch it...it was made of black leather approximately 12"x16"; it was 3-4" thick and zipped all the way around; it had some tie locking closure thing on the front with a $100 harrah's casino chip on the tie closure...i wasn't staying and i wasn't touching it and i was pissed that i was gonna miss my trailers but, i wasn't taking a chance on getting me and the wee one blown up...my party of three got up along with the couple behind us and he said i am not coming back in here until that guy sits down next to his case...so we all went out to look for this guy or to tell someone so they could call the bomb squad...he was coming out of the bathroom and couldn't believe we were making such a big deal...used to be if someone left an unattended bag or backpack or case...somebody would rifle through it and steal what they wanted...now, all your thinking is where's the bomb sniffing robot and how far away should i get from this case...turns out the douche bag was only trying to record/pirate a copy of the movie...i still say better safe than sorry these days...

so, how do you make friends?

can you actually say that you remember learning to walk or tying your shoes...or count to ten or write your letters...it just seems like something i have always known...and yet i know i had to learn it some where...hell, i don't even really remember learning to ride my bike or blow bubble gum and the only time i have to contemplate how that works is when i am trying to explain to someone else how to do it...breaking down the steps and explaining it one by one...it is not always that easy...some times its so automatic that you forget the "how" part and i think that can hurt your kids.
my little brother tells a story about learning to ride his bike...he was the youngest of four and by the time he came along my parents were getting tired of parenting on some levels and he was left to fend for himself or some times i think they figured one of us other three would teach him things for them...any way, he had finally done it...taught himself to ride his bike except he didn't know how to use the breaks and he came flying in the carport and slammed into the fench and racked his nuts...he still gets pissed telling that story because he feels like if my mother had been out there helping him that wouldn't have happened to him and he would have gotten the instruction he needed about how the breaking worked.
this being said, i had a huge discussion last night with my wee one about making friends...she has had a rough year at school and has not had any friends...if you ask her no one likes her and no one wants to play with her and she is gonna have to go through life without friends forever. it makes her so sad and i keep trying to think of ways for her to make friends...and then i start thinking how did i make friends and i can't for the life of me remember...i was always super shy but, i always managed a few good friends in each grade level...i think...or at least that's the way i remember it

but, honestly i can't remember how i made friends..."you have to be a friend to have a friend" or "you can't be bossy and you have to share" or "you have to be nice" or "don't always try to take charge"...well, my wee one already is all that and yet she still can't seem to make friends...maybe she's a bit naive and wants friends too bad and gets her feelings hurt really easy and is a total follower...plus she's super book smart but, she thinks all kids are inherently nice...and we all know that is totally not true...kids are evil, mean little shits and people like to put others down to make themselves feel better...and grown ups can be evil, mean big shits...so, i hate to tell her that things don't really change that much

i'm at my wits end...i am going to sign her up for summer camp and maybe i can find a church-sunday school she might like or she has been wanting to go take karate...maybe she can make just one friend...anybody remember how to make friends?

Ben Lee- What's So Bad (About Feeling Good), Live Rove, 8th March 2009

heard a song today . . .

it is by an austrailian singer named ben lee...it just made me think...life is too short to give a damn and i am getting too old to care about what people think [except for the few that actually matter]...so this is gonna be my theme song for a while...i will post a live verson of it next...

here at the lyrics for your viewing pleasure...


"What's So Bad (about Feeling Good) lyrics

Well you're lookin' so compose as you're starin' down your nose at me, laughin' at the way that i dance
But i just keep on movin' while you're lookin' disapprovin'
I feel sad for you, you never take a chance
So let your feet start shuffling and let your hips swing.
I know your heart's as hungry as mine.
Close your eyes, look at me, open up your mind you'll see that we can share a moment, a moment in time

[Chorus]
Tell me what's so bad, about feeling good
Tell me what's so bad, about feeling good


Well it's not all analysis or mathematic pression
oh all the simple things in life are not small
and all your daily drama and the politics of pleasure
well they really do not matter much at all
so let your words start spilling out against your will
and let your love minlge with mine
close your eyes, look at me, open up your heart you'll see that we can share a moment, a moment in time

[Chorus4x]
Tell me what's so bad, about feeling good
Tell me what's so bad, about feeling good

No guilt. All Pleasure. C'mon I wanna hear you yell it now
No guilt. All Pleasure. C'mon everybody yell it now
No guilt. All Pleasure. I wanna hear you yell it baby
No guilt. All Pleasure. C'mon everybody...Tell me what's so bad, about feeling good
Tell me what's so bad about feeling good.
Tell me what's so bad, about feeling good
Tell me what's so bad, about feeling good
...about feeling good....about feeling good...what's so bad about feeling good..."

equally necessary

i was up this morning way too early...couldn't sleep and not sure why because i actually feel like i could go back to bed but it's too late at this point to try for a few more moments of sleep...any way, i was up on the internet checking out the movies for this weekend and i was reading a review by roger ebert and he said "...it's so much easier to fall in love with someone who is necessary to you than someone you are necessary to." and i thought that was in interesting statement...so here's my question how do you find someone that is as equally necessary to you as you are to them? it makes me question my last relationship...i know that he was necessary to my life and my well-being and my sanity and he made me laugh and helped me in so many ways...i wonder if i wasn't as necessary to him...i have heard people say that the guy has to be into the girl just a little more than she is into him and i don't get that part because i just want equality in my relationship and it also seems like nice guys always want bitches...which i don't get at all because i want a nice guy and i am not a bitch [i mean come on anyone can pull out the bitch but, on the regular...no, i am way to laid back for all that stress and drama] so, back to the original question...equally necessary to each other...is that a possibility? and if it is where do you find that?

seriously...is it me?

have you ever had a friend just completely let you down…i mean after being friends for so long…25 years long…and she just doesn’t get it…i mean her head is so far up someone else’s ass that she honestly can’t see how selfish she is being and how much it hurts your feelings that she doesn’t come and hang out with you any more…i understand when you just start going out with someone you usually want to spend all your free time with them but, when i did this years ago we got into a huge fight and i didn’t realize what a jerk i was being so, i made a conscience effort from that point forward to always make sure that i didn’t ever do that again and that i made time for her…the ”bros before hoes” sentiment…why doesn’t that apply here? why the double standard? i am so not a “do as i say, not as i do” type of person…because that shit does not fly with me…but, when i try to broach the subject she plays dumb and doesn’t get why i am angry…really, really...there is no way she doesn’t see where i am coming from…and how do you tell her that you really, really don’t want to see her and the new girlfriend make out and talk about sex…ewwwwww!!! i love her to death and would do anything for her but i don’t need this to become another one-sided friendship…i have too many of these…

it is amazing to me how many people have come into and walked out of my life over the past four decades…some of it is expected…geographical friends…whether it’s work or school…acquaintance friends…ex’s…friends of ex’s…friends you lose to either you moving or their moving…or people that you realize later were there for a specific reason and those moments and reasons have passed and so have those people…but, then you are settled and you get this core of friends or at least you think you do and then they start dropping like flies…wow, it is amazing to me how few i have left…i have always known a lot of people and partied, hung out with and chilled with many, many people but, when it comes to true friends…the ones you actually let into the places of your heart and mind that are the true you…now, those are way fewer and quality over quantity has always been my motto…any yet they seem to be going by the wayside too…my dad always says that you can only count on your family and although that is true i have also usually been able to count on my true friends…but, these days that circle of real friends is just getting smaller and smaller until i fear that i will be occupying that area by myself…the worst part is that these friends have been the ones that have helped me over the hump, so to speak…i am definitely not a therapy kind of girl so, my friends are my sounding boards and advice givers…they are important to me and it seems that this is not as reciprocal as i once thought it was and i don’t like watching them walk away…because then it makes you wonder if it was me that drove them away…

a vacation day

there is something to be said for using your day off to be a tourist in your own neck of the woods…you see things in a different way when your in another town especially if it is for the first time or if you are on vacation…they seem to have better billboards and better shops…they have more interesting buildings and art or sculptures and things to do…which of course isn’t the case because that means some tourist is coming to your town thinking the same thing about where you live…i think we get pretty complacent and so used to the scenery and in a rut or habit of doing things that we pass right by our own interesting billboards and architecture and forget there are great things to do right down the street.

i spent today with one of my best friends catching up on things…we haven’t gotten to hang out for two months with my hours at work and his hours at work plus his vacation…we finally got a day to be stupid and have fun and we took full advantage of it…so after an egg, cheese and spinach sandwich we headed through the country into a neighboring town with camera in hand…we did a bit of shopping, talking and people watching, then we got take out sushi and ate it in the park with chopstick and all and after that we hit the historic downtown district and looked around like a tourist…it was great fun and i got some great pictures.

after that part of my day i headed home a new back way and on to get my daughter…we rode around with shorts and sandals on, the sunroof open and all the windows down…at dusk it made me think about being in florida and how free you feel when you are on vacation and know you have time off and how things seem different even though you are just coming back to your daily grind in a week or two.

payday

i am eagerly anticipating my paycheck today...even though sadly it will be pretty much gone when i get it...i don't care, at least i won't owe anybody anything...at least until next month...i have gotten my bills down to the bare minimum but i wish i could figure out a way to shave a little more off of each month's bills...except that i am totally not willing to get rid of the phone or the internet and that's about $147 right there...i do have a $75 storage bill a month because i downsized from a three-bedroom house to a studio apartment in january...maybe i could have a fabulously huge yard sale and get rid of everything that has been packed for the past 12-24 months...i don't even know if i can actually remember all the stuff that i have piled up in storage...my life smashed into a 10'x12' space...and do i really need all this stuff if i have gone without it for so long...i think not but i do want to go through it because there are some things i just can't part with and even though i am not exactly sure what all those things are...i will surely know them when i see them...i am the world's biggest reformed pack rat...i have really been trying hard to get rid of things and not save things even though i just might need them one day...i think all the junk isn't worth it any more...packratism is like a disease that you have to be rehabilitated from and every time i think i have it beat i find something i could possibly use for a potential art project and there i go saving needless, free shit again....ahhhhhhh!!!! i have got to get a grip on this because i don't want to become a hoarder...have you seen that tv show about hoarding...i don't watch tv but, i have friends that have been telling me about this show and the insane level of clutter,trash,crap,stuff and shit that these hoarders have in their houses...i know i am not that bad but i also know i don't need all this stuff i think i need...i want to be able to fit all my belongings [minus my bed and favorite furniture only] into my car so if i had to i could just go and i wouldn't feel like i was leaving my life behind...i have left two apartments full of furniture before [so as to not have to deal with some bad breakups in the past] and i have lost one storage to lack of payment...i just don't want that to happen ever again but, then again i don't want to be so attached to stuff that i can't just let it go...it is nice to have things but you can't take it with you and i sorta feel the same way about money...sure having a bunch of it makes life easier but, i think it also makes life stressful because you are always working, worrying and saving....as long as i can be comfortable and not need anything...i have been learning that i am good with that...sure there are some wants but i can live without them and if i can't then i can save a bit more and scratch that off the list when i get it.

the best i never had

i miss you every single day...it has been the hardest thing to get over in my life...i want to talk to you everyday...there are so many things that i think about or see that i want to share with you...there are so many places i go that i take you with me in my heart but would love to have you there in the flesh...late at night there are so many nights when i cannot sleep and i can't get you out of my brain...i hear your voice in my head and wish you were back in my life...i know that being around each other is just too difficult and i know falling in love was a huge complication but, i keep asking myself why did our lives cross paths and why did that connection and spark grow for three years if it was all for naught...worst of all, i know where you are every single day and i want to just go and hang out with you every single day like we used to and i have tried my best not to because i know that is what you want and it makes your life easier...but, what about what i want? and for some reason when it comes to you, it really doesn't matter what i want because honestly your happiness is more important to me but, the last time i saw you...you didn't look happy and maybe that's wishful thinking on my part but, i feel guilty and like i am to blame for your unhappiness and it makes me sad because that was never my intention...you are loved and missed every single day

life in a bathrobe

every since i downsized to my little apartment i have been a frequent visitor to the local laundromat...which totally sucks, by the way and my next move will have w/d hookups...anyway, i just left there saw this same guy who i have come to realize is a person who just drives to and hangs out at the laundromat every single day...kinda like the barbershop...some times he's talking to people who must know him [by the sounds of their conversations], or reading the paper or some times just taking a nap in the chair...some days his shirt isn't all the way buttoned and some days his pants aren't exactly right either...he has a cane and you can tell it's hard for him to walk around...but, he still manages getting in their and sitting. I am guessing this is his reason for getting out of bed and this gives him something to do instead of looking at the same four walls everyday...wait a tick, he does look at the same four walls everyday at the laundromat...hell, i don't know it must be better then be stuck at home.

until today, i had been stuck at home since wednesday...due to unfortunate circumstances, my car died and even though i managed to make it home via a taxi ride, a bus ride, and two friends i was still car less...thursday i walked 2.5 miles round trip to the local walmart for food...friday it was raining and i didn't leave...i got up saturday morning, made coffee, ate an egg sandwich, read the paper and got dressed...i even put on sneakers...guess what, i didn't even have one visitor [mind you, people did know i was stranded] until 9pm that night...i got dressed for nothing that day...i started thinking, i can understand how people who are alone and without transportation could end up looking dirty, disheveled, and like they live in their pajamas...because if you know that you aren't going to have visitors day after day and you are stranded in the same four walls what exactly is the motivation to bathe, brush your hair and actually get dressed...sure, personal satisfaction or something like that but, after about a week or two of getting dressed and ready for the day only to realize that no one is coming over, you are going no where, and you are going to be doing this again tomorrow...i am guessing life in a bathrobe seems to make sense. luckily for me my dad came through with some wheels and another friend is working on my car right now...so i won't be stuck living life in my bathrobe.

some people

the older i get the more i see the same people over and over again...you know, you have met that personality before...maybe it has different hair color this time around but, basically there are so many similarities and lucky for you, you already know how to deal with this person...occasionally you do have the opportunity to meet someone completely original-which i think is fabulous because seeing copies of personalities are a bit boring-granted, if you are sadistic you can play with people's minds...not that i would condone this activity...but i sure it would be amusing to some...i like to think of myself as an original that you just can peg or understand right away or maybe never for that matter...i am full of contradictions but, i think that is what makes me-me and i like that...so far i have only found one other person in this universe that gets me 100% and can finish my sentences and can look into my eyes and know exactly what i am thinking...so, in my book, i am doing good at being an enigma.

so, in saying all this, i cannot for the life of me understand the motivation of some people...usually, i am really good at cutting through all the bs and seeing things for what they really are...unless someone is just too close to me, i can tend to be a little blind to that or not really want to see what i see...but, in general i am pretty good at seeing things...but, for instance i have been trying to keep a relationship with aunt...but, she seems to relish being able to tell my mother [her sister] anything that i say that she might not like to hear or that she might consider shocking or that might make my mother feel like a failure at being a mom...and maybe it's just her issues and i am just her pawn to get at my mother but, i really hate being stuck in the middle of a game of chess that i never wanted to play...i hate having to think about everything i post online or say on the phone or in person that might get twisted and repeated...and it is never just repeated verbatim...there is always some twisting of my words that makes me look in a bad light some way or that makes things appear worse to my mother...and for a while she would just believe all the shit her sister said without checking with me first and then be mad at me and i wouldn't understand what the hell was going on...see why i don't want to be in this game of chess? so, my question...would you just stop talking to your aunt? would you start strategically telling her outrageous bullshit just so she would repeat it to your mother? would you just tell her off? i am not sure how i am gonna handle this one...

getting started

my mother would always tell me not to write something down because once it's in black and white you just can't take it back so, i should be careful about what i say on paper because everyone could read it...which is ironic because writing me through snail mail is how my mother feels she communicates best...anyway, anonymity empowers you to be able to say what ever you want without fear of a reaction...this power is what propels my blog [i could entertain the thought for just a moment that i am taking to easy way out...by not revealing my identity but, i don't care and that moment has passed]...i want to be brutally honest about anything and everything but some times you either don't want repercussions in your life or at work or you don't really want to hurt some one's feeling...etc... but, i write so many letters that i don't send and think so many things that i don't say...i need to be able to get it out of my head....i am lucky enough to have two people i can be completely 100% uncensored with but, i don't get to talk to these guys on a regular basis...one of them i get to spend a month with every other summer and the other one has pushed me away and tried to disappear from my life...i have come to realize that not having that outlet is making me a bit crazy or at least a bit stressed out so, i decided to start writing...whether on not anyone is actually reading is not really the point is it...